The Oscars, Part Deux

There are a lot of categories that not only are relatively irrelevant, but that I personally have seen zero films from. Let’s go through them as fast as possible!

Lightning round!

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

I had the chance to see Bullhead and didn’t, so it couldn’t have been good. The only alternative is that I’m a bad decision maker, and that’s just absurd. A Separation already won; don’t get greedy, Iranians. A Canadian film? Adieu, Monsieur Lazhar. It’s trendy to hate on Israel this year, so you’re out, Footnote.

In Darkness from Edgar Allen Poland it is. Appropriate.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

The best documentaries are typically about irrelevant things that sound boring as hell (I’m looking at you, Helvetica). Let’s use that logic here. Hell and Back Again and Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory both sound like low level horror films. Undefeated is going to suffer its first lost. The Earth Liberation Front bombed my old workplace once, so screw If A Tree Falls. Pina, which is about the tragic death of a dance choreographer. Well, none of those things are irrelevant or boring sounding, but Hell and Back Again sounds a lot like Helvetica. Done.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT

Christ, more shorts. The Barber of Birmingham sounds so boring and irrelevant, I’m not even going to read the rest of the titles.

FILM EDITING

The best film edit is the edit you didn’t even see, so in that spirit, this category comes down to The Descendants and Moneyball, two films I haven’t watched. It’s also important to leave the boring parts on the cutting room floor, but Moneyball, a film entirely about statistics and baseball, apparently did the exact opposite. Some might call it avant-garde, but this is the Oscars, dammit.

The Descendants it is.

ART DIRECTION

Obviously, The Artist is going to win this category. IT’S IN THE TITLE.

COSTUME DESIGN

This category always goes to the costume designer who recreated a foppish era of England’s past, so in the interest of balance, I’m going to disqualify every film that involves the Brits. Sorry W.E., Jane Eyre, and Anonymous. That leaves The Artist and Hugo, which recreate foppish eras of America and France’s pasts, respectively. I’m going to give the nod to The Artist, mostly for John Goodman’s cigar.

ANIMATED FEATURE

The Pixar Memorial category.

I don’t vote for sequels or ridiculous spinoffs, so Kung Fu Panda 2 and Puss in Boots are flat out. There are way too many films set in Paris, so sorry Cat in Paris. We’re left with a cowboy lizard and a film I haven’t heard of but appears to prominently involve lead character Rita’s breasts. Unacceptable! This is a kid’s category! I won’t have you corrupting America’s youth with beautiful imagery of the human body!

Rango rides away, and we all can’t wait for Pixar to get back in the game.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Anyone who knows me knows The Tree of Life won this six months ago, and the rest of the list is there to be polite. What, you wanted a joke? I have to take one of these seriously, and it’s going to be the category led by 1950s Texan tale of childhood angst that prominently involves dinosaurs.

Whoops, those last few were real categories. Oh well. Onto the big 6 next time.